You might wonder who stays silent in the face of unwelcome sexual violations. Who freezes instead of fighting back. It seems so obvious and logical to just speak up. Tell the perpetrator to stop and defend yourself. Yet somehow, that’s not how my story goes. And in the moment, you might not respond how you expect either.
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I went to a concert alone. I made my way to the front of the standing only general admission section, positioning myself for the perfect view in the second row. A solo man and a couple were near me, and we all started chatting as we waited for the show to start. I made sure to mention I was married and flash my ring to the single man to say, “No thanks, bud.” I am a friendly person, so it felt natural for me to continue conversing throughout the night. After the opening band and not too far into the headliner, I felt a hand graze my behind. Gentle, subtle. “Hmm, am I imagining things?” I wondered. It was a bit crowded, but I did have enough elbow room to move freely without bumping into anyone. Then the unwanted touching happened again and again. At that point, my mind was blank and racing at the same time. A small pipsqueak voice inside of me was yelling “STOP, why are you doing this?” and somehow no words came out of my mouth. I was mute. I tried to create space, shifting positions, but he kept finding me.
I felt split between experiencing one of my favorite bands and having a silent crisis, bargaining with myself. “I will lose my amazing view. I paid good money for these tickets. I barely get to go out now that I’m a mom. Am I making this into a big deal? Maybe I was too nice and made it unclear. No one else is witnessing his behavior. There’s not much I can do. If I ask him to stop, he probably won’t.” Eventually, I caved and bolted from my post without a word. I made my way home, but my mind was too loud for rest.
Regret, anger, and frustration set in as I lie in bed. What advice would I have for my daughter if she were in the same conundrum? Is this what I want for her when she grows up? I didn’t feel like a good role model.
For context, I am a college-educated, 37-year-old hispanic woman. I’m 5’4 and weigh 110 pounds, so I don’t exactly exude heavyweight champion vibes. I consider myself to be street smart and savvy when it comes to safety. I used to travel the world alone, trusting my instincts to dodge pickpockets, scams, and even the threat of kidnapping.
Rage churned inside me, not just at him, but at myself—for freezing, for failing to act. Considering my direct nature and comfort with confrontation, I found myself thinking, “How did I let this happen?” for the next day or two. The short answer is this: my anxiety and post-traumatic stress is to blame. Science tells us that freezing is an automatic reaction in the nervous system in response to threat. Therapist Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, MBA explains why we freeze and what we can do about it, including tools and techniques to manage a freeze response and develop new ways of dealing with stress. Her newsletter landed in my inbox two days after the incident. It couldn’t have been better timing, as I had completely forgotten about some unprocessed, dormant trauma stored in my body.
You see, I wish I could say this was my first unwanted sexual encounter. Like Scrooge and the Ghost from Christmas Past from Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol,” I relived my shadowy past that night. All of my repressed emotions from past experiences came flooding back.
A Narrow Escape from Rape
When I was 21, I went on a cruise vacation to celebrate my college graduation with some gal pals. There was a drunken night when I partied at the onsite club. At the end of the evening, a guy I’d danced with said he’d walk me back to my room. My friends had gone ahead. Though the details are a bit fuzzy, what happened continues to be crystal clear in my mind. He surreptitiously led me to his room, quickly opened the door, and pushed me inside. I remember all of his weight hitting mine as we landed violently on the floor. I clawed at his face and bit him, fighting with all my might to avoid what I knew would happen next: rape.
I was lucky enough to escape.
I ran out of the room to a 24-hour information desk where I told two cruise line employees that a man just tried to rape me. They looked at me with judgy eyes and told me to go to bed. I’m not sure what I was hoping for, but I knew I needed someone to know. The next day, I told my friends the story and we went to the pool to hang out like nothing happened. Though they were upset for me, it never occurred to me or them to contact the police or file a report. I didn’t even know his name.
I wish that was all.
Launching My Career Admist Workplace Sexual Harassment
One year later when I landed my first corporate job, a Vice President 40 years my senior would pay me unnecessary visits. I always found it uncomfortable that he’d sit on my desk with his crotch in my face or put his arm around my waist. Again, subtly. “Is anyone else seeing this?” I’d wonder. Alas, the company had no Human Resources Department (HR), he was a man in power, and I had nowhere to turn. By the way, it’s legal to not have HR as a company. As a single female with bills to pay, I felt I could not afford to speak up and deal with the likely repercussions of paying for a lawyer, losing a job, and getting blacklisted from working in the tech sector. After all, I was just getting my career off the ground in a male-dominated field.
Reflections and Outcomes
Although my initial reaction was disappointment in my behavior, I now hold compassion for myself. My repressed trauma no longer holds me hostage. Maybe I didn’t speak up then, but I can speak up now. The future I want to create for myself, my children, your children, and our community flashes before my eyes. And this is NOT it.Society and its systems failed me. Sex education class in school didn’t prepare me. HR in the workplace was nonexistent. I was left without the support I needed to protect myself or speak out against sexual predators. My immigrant parents didn’t have the resources or education to warn or protect me, either. They were busy trying to make ends meet and acclimate to American life.
Like Scrooge and The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, I know first-hand what transpires when things stay the same; when we don’t properly educate on consent; when we don’t help a fellow human in need; when we don’t protect vulnerable populations. Beyond short-term stress, victims often face long-term physical, mental, and substance abuse challenges. Social isolation, difficulty maintaining personal relationships, decreased job performance, and job turnover is also common.
I hold myself accountable for all of the things I could have done differently throughout these unwelcome sexual encounters. But, I shouldn’t have to be forced to leave—the concert, the vacation, or the job—because someone feels entitled to infringe on my basic rights as a human being.
My physical and mental safety is more important than a sexual urge.
I can’t help but think how often these incidents go untold, unnoticed, and ignored. My story is not unique. Though progress has been made since Tamara Burke’s #MeToo movement went viral in 2006, the impact of these numbers speak for themselves.
38% of women and 14% of men report experiencing sexual harassment in the workplace, with a significant portion of cases going unreported; the EEOC estimates that 75% of workplace harassment cases are not formally reported, and many victims face retaliation after reporting an incident
50% of middle school students reported experiencing sexual harassment
Though anyone can become a victim, vulnerable populations disproportionately impacted include:
Ages 12-34 are the highest-risk years
People with disabilities
Impoverished and unhoused
Racial, ethnic, and sexual minority groups (i.e. People of color and members of LBGTQIA+ community)
Solutions for Our Future
It’s clear it will take a significant, collective effort from individuals, parents, communities, employees, and institutions to create real, lasting results. Evidence already exists to support the efficacy of the following solutions:
Teach and model empathy, respect, and boundaries
Increase access to resources for parents to teach children about consent and appropriate behavior
Normalize education for parents, educators, and employers on prevention strategies
Mandatory ongoing consent education in preschools, schools, and colleges
Promote how to report sexual harassment at work even when there’s no HR
Increase awareness on how to report sexual harassment broadly (as a victim or witness)
Support nonprofits that provide prevention, education, and support services
Create and enforce policies that prevent and protect
One tactic I find to be particularly useful is encouraging fathers, men, and boys to be allies in prevention and serve as positive role models. It’s human nature to follow the pack and strive to belong. The CDC notes:
“Fostering healthy, positive norms about masculinity, gender, and violence among individuals with potential for these social norms to spread through their social networks. Some programs for youth utilize adult male implementers who can serve as strong role models for healthy, positive definitions of masculinity.” (i.e. in Fraternities, schools, or churches).
As Dr. Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.” There are educational resources available today that you can use to protect yourself and your family. Don’t wait until you, your children, or someone you know becomes a victim—or perpetrator—of sexual misconduct to wonder what went wrong.
I just read your article, and I had to reach out. I’m in awe of your bravery — sharing something so personal and painful is no small thing, and you did it with such strength and grace. I see so much growth and power in your words, and it’s clear your light is shining brighter than ever. I hope you can feel how many hearts you’re touching. I’m proud of you and holding you close.
Thank you for sharing your story. My heart hurts that you've experienced those things.
I just read your article, and I had to reach out. I’m in awe of your bravery — sharing something so personal and painful is no small thing, and you did it with such strength and grace. I see so much growth and power in your words, and it’s clear your light is shining brighter than ever. I hope you can feel how many hearts you’re touching. I’m proud of you and holding you close.